Good riddance Boris, hi Empress Truss: my predictions for 2022 | Jean Cracé

January

Boris Johnson comes out of hiding to announce that the government’s ‘sane and prudent approach’ of letting people do exactly what they love on New Years Eve has paid off as Covid cases have fallen to zero . New knight Sir Chris Whitty later admits this may be because there are no LFTs or PCR tests available to determine whether people are sick or not. All hospitals are now officially full. Jonathan Van-Tam refuses to attend further Downing Street press conferences until he, too, is knighted. Prince Andrew moved to the Ecuadorian Embassy after the Queen kicked him out of Windsor Castle. Lord Geidt announces that the Downing Street renovation was far too complicated to properly investigate, so he’s going to exonerate everyone because he doesn’t want to upset anyone. Johnson immediately invites him to resume the investigation of the Downing Street parties.

February

The coldest wave since the last coldest wave grips the country. Boris Johnson comes out of his hiding place to say that no one could have predicted the extreme bad weather in February and urges everyone to warm up. Mainly because no one can afford to keep their central heating on as fuel bills have quadrupled in the last six months. Johnson insists that no one could have predicted that gas prices would rise so quickly, although everyone has. The worst floods since the last worst floods devastate many towns and villages as the weather warms. Boris Johnson comes out of his hiding place to put a sandbag in the wrong place.

March

Coronavirus cases reach their highest figure yet. Boris Johnson comes out of hiding to claim that the government is a victim of its own success. With LFTs and PCRs again available, people are testing themselves too frequently. To bring the numbers down, everyone will now only be allowed to take one test every three weeks. Sajid Javid, the Secretary of Health, describes it as a masterstroke. Patrick Vallance, now Lord Vallance after also having a crisis of chivalry from Chris Whitty, suggests everyone needs a fourth blow to deal with the ongoing pandemic. Steve Baker, Mark Francois and Julia Hartley-Brewer have started an online petition calling for an end to nanny state vaccine passports. It is time for the weak and the vulnerable to stop being so selfish. Boris Johnson comes out of hiding to say that he would never consider implementing another recall program.

April

With the tax hikes coming into effect and inflation close to 6%, most people have never felt so broke. Boris Johnson comes out of hiding to say he knows how much the country is suffering as he struggles to pay for seven or eight children and the 1977 Labor government is to blame for the current crisis. Carrie Johnson announces that she and Boris are expecting twins at the end of the year. Dilyn the dog makes history by becoming the first mutt to officially request that he be taken away from his current owners and relocated elsewhere. Boris Johnson opens a new door, to replace the broken one, at St George’s Hospital and says the government has now kept its promise to build 40 new hospitals. He also announces another booster vaccination program.

Can

To his surprise, as he has spent the last few weeks campaigning against perfectly reasonable public health measures, Sir Graham Brady, chairman of the 1922 committee, discovers that he has served on the 54 letters needed to trigger a leadership election for at least two months. Boris Johnson comes out of hiding to state that he intends to prorogue Parliament and that the leadership challenge is just a shrewd plot by EU member states to discredit the UK. Keir Starmer points out that Boris managed to do all of this on his own. Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss are briefly suspending their leadership campaigns that have run throughout the year to pay tribute to Johnson’s immense contribution to screwing up the country and making their lives so much easier. Lord Geidt is hinting that he may soon be ready to publish his report on the Downing Street parties.

June

Much to everyone’s amazement, Matt Hancock is stepping forward as Conservative leader for the second time, saying it’s time for a real “sex god” to rule the country. He pulls out two publicity photos, one of him in a black turtleneck sweater and the other of him shirtless. “It’s time to rekindle the country” is its catchy slogan. Rishi Sunak addresses a series of punitive Q&A in his trademark sliders, insisting it was a whole different Dishi Rishi who had been the chancellor responsible for raising taxes to their all-time high. level since the 1940s.

July

The Tory leadership election comes down to a two-horse race between Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss, after Michael Gove once again won the support of his fellow MPs. Proving they have a sense of humor after all, the Conservative Party chooses Truss to be the new PM. Her first speech outside Downing Street, in which she promises to level the aisles of conservative peers and donors, must be delayed after it was revealed Boris Johnson was refusing to leave No 10 on the grounds that he had nowhere to go. The friendly billionaires don’t want to let Boris and Carrie stay in their private villas now that they’re all stranded, and it’s hapless Lord Brownlow who is once again armed to help the couple find a room in a refuge center. Lord Geidt suggests that he is almost ready to publish his report.

Joe Root: “At least the test result came back quickly. “ Photograph: Robert Cianflone ​​/ Getty Images

August

Twitter hangs for a few days as news announces that the fourth series of Succession will be filmed in real time. Don’t pretend realtime, like 24. All errors are just part of the script. Jeremy Strong is said to have prepared an intensive method for Kendall’s 10-minute bathroom break, which is set to be the pivotal moment in episode four. Brian Cox’s lines have been reduced to a minimalist “fuck you, fuck you”. Cricketers herald a golden dawn for English trial cricket after Joe Root and Jos Buttler set up a 50-race partnership, England’s tallest stand for more than three years. Root continues to make a grown 37, before playing a ball he could easily leave and get caught on the slip, a round some older cricket fans compare to Len Hutton in his prime.

September

Boris Johnson comes out of his hiding place to announce that he has been deselected by his constituency and that he is now broke. “I’ve been morally bankrupt for years,” he sobs, “but now I’m also financially bankrupt. Even Lord Brownlow won’t lend me a ten. HarperCollins has canceled his delayed biography of Shakespeare on the grounds that they have just realized that Johnson has nothing to say about him that you cannot find on Wikipedia. And none of the usual $ 250 Ka-pop after-dinner agencies speaking on behalf of former prime ministers and deposed heads of state have been able to secure concerts for Boris because everyone has heard them all. the gags and bored of the lies. . Even the Daily Telegraph won’t return his columns to him because the publisher belatedly realized he was still writing the same thing over and over again. Charles Moore calls it “a national tragedy that Britain’s best leader since Owen Paterson was left when he needed it”, before going hunting for the rest of the day.

October

At the Conservative Party conference, Liz Truss insisted that she be called from now on “Gloriana, Empress of the United Kingdom and all its colonies”. Rishi Sunak announces that enough is enough. The tax levy is too high for even someone with a wife with a billionaire dad to get away with, so he quits politics and returns to Goldman Sachs to relocate more of his loot. Truss barely bother to hide his lack of disappointment and says that she will return to her job. As she has never succeeded in replacing herself at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs or Priti Patel, whom she sacked as Minister of the Interior, this is the first time that the four major state functions have been held. by the same person. Opinion polls also show that Truss is now even less popular than Johnson. She responds by banning anyone – not just civil servants – from using the word ‘Brexit’. It is now to be replaced by “The Great Success”, as UK trade with the EU and the rest of the world drops to an all time high.

November

Liz Truss says nothing will stop the UK from having the best Christmas ever. A day later, the World Health Organization reports the existence of the variant of the Pi coronavirus, which is four times more transmissible than the Omicron. Lord Vallance and Sir Chris Whitty suggest a fifth immediate booster vaccine program and a breaker. Truss hosts a solo press conference from a Golden Throne in which she insists Britain’s DNA is now resistant to Covid and the England football team will always travel to Qatar to play in the Cup of the world. The 1,000-page first volume of Dominic Cummings’ memoir Why I Was Right About Everything, spanning the first seven years of his life, becomes the first book to be completed within a week of publication.

December

With the Pi variant now seemingly out of control, Liz Truss is waiting up to three days before Christmas before enforcing a lockdown. No one is too bothered because they had already canceled their arrangements on the grounds that they did not trust the government to make a sensible decision. Piers Corbyn, Toby Young and three-quarters of the Conservative Party write an open letter to the Daily Telegraph saying they are the only ones who understand the science and calling for someone to do something clinically insane. Although the whole team got Covid, England win the World Cup by default as no other country bother to show up to the tournament. Truss proclaims them all heroes. Sir Chris Whitty ends a perfect year by winning Strictly Come Dancing – his salsa is causing a stir – and is raised to the rank of par. Lord Vallance and Sir Jonathan Van-Tam are emptied. Lord Geidt says he is almost, almost ready to publish his report.

A farewell to calm from John Crace is published by Guardian Faber, price £ 9.99. To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply

About Lillie Berry

Lillie Berry

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